Fat Admirers, Closet Fat Admirers And Dating

Fat admirers: What are they and how can the be in the closet?

I have had a long distance, virtual relationship with a man who told me the first day that we chatted that he only liked women who were size 10 to 12. Well, I am a size 22 to 24 so I told him I only come in one size and if he did not like the size I was to go find someone else and to please never talk about it again.  So far he has not talked about it and he has hung on to me by chatting with me regularly for about a year.  He is moving here from LA next fall and still is a prospect. Some days I feel like I am on the TV show of Catfish since I have not met him for so long. At least I have Skyped with him so I know he is real.

Closet Fat Admirers Love BIg Women

Closet Fat Admirers Love Big Women

There are a lot of explanations for what is going on with him and one of them is that he is a “closet fat admirer”.  I learned about this concept fairly recently. I will go over some of the concepts with you since you are probably not familiar with them either.

1. “fat” is the politically correct term for anyone with a BMI higher than average. For women it is any woman who wears a size 14 and up which is 65% of America…silly I know. The size acceptance movement people use the term fat just like gays use “queer”. Another term is Big Beautiful Woman (BBW).

2. a “fat admirer” (FA) is any man of any size who admits to preferring women size 14 and up.

3. a “closet” fat admirer is a man who can’t admit to himself and/or others that he prefers women size 14 and up.  He is afraid of ridicule by society and friends and family.  He either does not date fat women or he does but does so in secret. My ex’s mother hated me cause of my size in part so I understand the concept of fat hatred. Closet fat admirers are generally are thought of poorly by the BBW/FA community just like closeted gays are in the gay community.  It is a form of self hatred.

Some closet fat admirers supposedly have fat lovers in secret while having skinny lovers in public. My friend told me one sad story of a man who realized he loved fat women when he was stationed in Germany as a young man but married a skinny one because of the status it gave him and pressure from society to not be with a fat woman.

One sign that my Catfish is a closet fat admirer is that he mentioned that he was attracted to broad women, large breasted women and women with rolls of white skin.  This attraction was mentioned in a book called Big Big Love of what FAs find attractive in their BBWs.

Most men who are fat admirers don’t even know the term. And since 65% of women are size 14 and up then 65% of men are probably fat admirers since someone is married to or dating most of those women!!

So it is possible that my Catfish really does like fat women but he just is mired in LA culture and can’t admit it to himself.  Maybe if he moves to my fat friendly, laissez faire town he will be more OK with it.  He did mention that he recently dated a “larger” women so maybe that is a good sign although “big” in LA may mean something else than it does in the rest of the country.

What to do if you are dating a closet fat admirer

If you do find you are dating a closet fat admirer, you may want to talk to him about the concept of fat admiration and let him know that fat admiration is a fairly normal phenomenon, despite what we hear in the media day in and day out. Another approach is to talk about how skinny women have only been in fashion since the 1960s, although this route may be less helpful. Maybe he will come out of the fat admirer closet.

If your man goes so far as to ask you to lose weight, then several dating books I have read have said that any man asking you to lose weight should be dropped immediately. One book claimed it was a form of emotional abuse and another said it was a sign they were a control freak. Either way it should be a deal breaker. I personally broke up with two men I lived with in my 20s who asked me to lose weight. Even if you wanted to lose weight, it is pretty much impossible over time. The set point theory explains why this is true.

Another option to dating a closet fat admirer would be to just find a non-closeted fat admirer to date instead.  I have been dating non-closeted  fat admirers lately and it has been wonderful. I even had one who told me he loved my pot belly stomach. The book I read, Big Big Love , talked about this issue so I was prepared for it but not completely ready!

Personally I prefer men who are large and don’t see me as large at all. They just see me as a woman and are used to women who are my size because they have them in their family.  Like me, they see other people as small; like they are Gulliver in Liliput even though statistically they are larger than average.


My catfish found a live in girlfriend in his town so I guess I will never know the answer to this mystery. It is just as well; my ego has been bruised enough by my divorce and I don’t need it any more bruised. I also left my marriage due to my husband being gay so I only want someone who is 101% attracted to me in my life from now on!  Only openly proud fat admirers for me in my future!

Later Update

My catfish dumped that woman and moved to my town and we are still friends. Luckily I was not attracted to him so the feeling was mutual. Turns out he IS a fat admirer, he just prefers women with a more boyish shape. Most men who are fat admirers don’t know the term “Fat Admirer” so asking someone if they are and having them say no does not mean they are in the closet necessarily.  He just could not communicate  his type to me well enough (or I didn’t want to hear it at the time), but once I saw a woman that he preferred to date I understood what his type was. I am more figure 8 shape, but he prefers larger women who are more android shape (hips as wide as waist)  but have large breasts (“top heavy” as some people say).

I’m now dating a full on fat admirer who loves all my curves. I do find it hard to understand at times, having grown up in an upper-middle class town in CA and having had an eating disorder as a teen and all, but mostly I just accept it and enjoy it.  He even loves to touch my giant, middle-aged Northern German belly. Go figure!

I used the book Love Your Body The Way It Is to help get over my eating disorder a little more after my separation.  This helped my confidence while dating.


Here is a great video about Fat Admirers that made me smile. It is hard to explain why a certain body type does it for you and I love this guy’s attempt to do so:


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